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Sentient cabbage
Cabbage
The vegetable that started it all.
Scientific classification
Kingdom Plantae
Phylum Angiosperms
Class Eudicots
Order Brassicales
Family Brassicaceae
Genus Brassica
Species B. Oleracea
Binomial Name Brassica Oleracea
Distribution
Synonyms

The tradition of intelligent cabbage began in 1845, when Edmund S. Goode and Jason Sprot bred a vegetable with a difference. This Brassica oleracea was more intelligent than both farmers put together. After the plant easily took over the farm, it ran a hugely successful Ponzi scheme and retired young at six months, leaving the farmers to die poor. Now cabbage comprises a large part of the international community. With a few regrettable exceptions, no sentient (but plenty of inanimate) cabbages have been consumed.

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